Is Anyone Else Feeling Broken? Or Is It Just Me?
I’ve been thinking over my own life the past several weeks and recalling patterns that seem to have taken root in younger years, grown deep and developed into a type of lifestyle as I moved on into adulthood. I made a choice as a child and preteen that I would be a rebel. I didn’t label it a rebel. Not then. I didn’t know that there was such a thing. Looking back, I’ve come to recognize the shift. That tendency in itself influenced many choices I made after that. By the time I graduated from high school, I had purposed in my heart that I would not follow the norm. I would not conform. Nor would I concern myself with proper english or proper spelling. I would use ‘ain’t, hain’t or any other slang incorrect word, if I so chose. Neither I would not go to college. I didn’t need that education.
Momma wanted to send me through college so I could become a properly trained young lady in some respectable vocation. But I only wanted to get married and have children. And forget about daycare or a babysitter. I wanted to stay home and raise my own kids. So that is what I did, even though I worked outside the home on occasion. Before children, I worked at Public Debt in Parkersburg as a key punch operator. Later on I worked in sewing factories, waitressing, domestic work in private homes and re-upholstery. These were the only skills that I had developed. So my opportunities were limited.
In retrospect, Momma was right! More education and training would have given me more tools to develop my life as a mother, wife, daughter, person and even enlarged the possibilities of a career if I would have so chosen. Skills that could have helped make life better for me and my family.
I can’t define the root cause of my feeling of brokenness. That is not needed for this story. But I will suggest that the paths I chose were maybe not God’s original plan for my life. One Biblical kind of brokenness comes from a contrite spirit. I believe that the expected mark to achieve was set too high. I felt it was unreachable. So for me, this resulted in a feeling of brokenness and inadequacy. I felt defeated before I had even began. Maybe this explains my rebel attitude. I don’t know! But that ‘feeling’ has mostly ruled and swayed choices in my life.
However, God prevailed and helped me improvise through it all. He still helps me today. I’ve come to realize that I am just another flawed human who thought I could do it all. All by myself. I didn’t need anyone. Of course, nothing could be farther from the truth. I believe that if we are honest, then all raw and unfiltered human beings are a mess in one way or another.
But still! Today, I feel broken. Many things are out of reach for me to accomplish. At the age of 70, my heart says that I am just now finally ready to live my life. Wiser and better! Unfortunately, my body has moved out of the market and my skills have a limited cap of possibilities. The best functioning part of me that remains is my mind. Even though it has slowed, it still holds an optimistic attitude, which I admit, may be just a leftover strain of rebellion stretching for it’s last “Grand Hurrah!” Only I can make the decision of a difference in my own broken life. Or the perception there of.
About brokenness and re birthing. In the midst of putting together a story of my own brokenness, I was drawn to the fact that there is a much broader story that impacts many more lives and space than just my small corner of the world. This present time that we are living in parades brokenness everywhere. Broken people, broken families, communities, towns, churches, states and even our country.
Brokenness and re-birthing sometimes go hand in hand. The old debris must be totally removed before a new and lasting structure can be rebuilt. Another example would grape vines, in the spring. Steve and I have two old grape vines near our house that we moved into near the end of last year. I’ve always dreamed of having healthy producing grape vines. Having coaxed him to help me research the proper way to prune the vines (he loves me ‘smile’), we learned that all of the old overgrowth must be cut off (Ouch, that hurts) and moved away. Light and space initiates new growth and the new growth stimulates fruit production. New grapes will only grow on the new growth. So with trimming nippers, gloves on our rookie’ hands and brave hearts we stepped into the first learning curve of our journey. Now, two weeks later, we have walked down to inspect our tiny wannabe vineyard! Low and behold! Tiny buds are pushing out of that old brittle ugly vine. Very tiny! We almost missed seeing them. So we done a happy dance before our Creator and He smiled, as if to say. “Read the book!” It has simple instructions on new life, new birth, new beginnings. God loves new life. He promotes and nourishes new life.
Would y’all agree that things in the world aren’t working properly anymore? I like the promise in the scriptures of a better coming day. I believe very soon! And I like the perfect prayer given by the Lord for us to pray. “….Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done, on earth as it is in Heaven….”
But as I await for that better day and place, my brokenness needs to allow God to use me in a way that only He knows! I love the brethren in Christ, even though I am a loner, generally speaking. But I can dedicate myself and my time to study, learn of how Father God would like to use me to further His purpose for my life.
Over time, my local community and county became broken. The population decreased as businesses and jobs left. Many say that God left too. I don’t know. Maybe He was just pushed aside. Maybe He decided to stand by and wait. Regardless of the possible many faceted reasons, we became an economically oppressed and depressed area. Maybe it has always been just the feeling of hopelessness with a paralyzing spirit that said the mark was too high. Or, we the people feeling inadequate toward ever achieving our dreams . Afterthoughts and regrets won’t change how we arrived at the perfect climate for the birth of hopelessness among the people. But having learned what does not work helps create a new playing field with energy for innovative creative ideas to go into place.
Now, I look around my community and I see hope being restored. We are shifting and struggling with the growing pains of change as the opportunity has come for restructuring and revitalizing. A definite re-birthing so to speak. Restored energy is being used to rewrite our road map for the future.
The old Calhoun County High School is a prime example of what used to look like total brokenness. But look at her now as the old glory has started settling around her again. She trembles with anticipation and eagerness to once again strut her stuff and become the hub of Calhoun. A Center where all can find shelter from the storms. Kinda like the hope I have for the Glory to fall on the church again and be a true shelter to those caught in the storms of life. A lighthouse and an anchor…
This is how I see a rebirth of something that felt and looked dead or broken. The truth is that we were never broken! Only deceived! The pulling out of those deep rooted patterns is necessary before replanting a healthier vineyard that encourages proper growth. That is re-birth.
Times have changed, but some things stay the same. Strength comes with unity. People need other people. People need God! He created us that way! We don’t work properly without Him! Our Heavenly Father is forward thinking. He is honorable and full of integrity. Shall I not inquire of Him how He wishes to use me? How to become more teachable and more forgiving? How to not be easily swayed from His principles and integrity? And maybe the difference between being assertive and being aggressive?
So Yes! We can be great again! Even greater than before! As a person, a people, a community, a church and as a country! And Yes, I will sound my trumpet! We can all sound our trumpets in a united voice…
This is a Season of Re-birth. The Resurrection of the Lord Jesus. The old being finished and the new being put into place. In the Holy Scriptures we have many examples of new beginnings. Re-birth! Spiritually and otherwise. In Genesis, even the earth had a re-birth. It was a horrid mess, void and without form. Then re-creation began. So there is still hope for me! And there is still hope for other people. For families, churches, communities and our country.
Even Solomon wrote of re-birth. Being drawn to the Father’s heart. The arrival of a season for singing and pruning. The barren winter ending, new days of destiny breaking with budding vines. And so goes life!
So I must not whine with the pain from a broken spirit or the pain of re-birth. The pain of regrets or the feeling of wasted time. There is change in the air and growing pains are required in order to move to a higher place. Here and in the hereafter, when Father God will bid us to come away and rest.
For Now, We have His Word. His Word is enough…
Thank you. Email me at: alice.heartpaths@gmail.com
My afterthought is this; Would it not be great if the new Calhoun Community Center housed a chapel. A place not designed after organized religion, but designed to signify a freedom of worship to the one and only Creator. Maybe, a place of solitude for prayer and thankfulness. Maybe, a place to house as many of the written scriptures and study helps as possible. A place untouched by denominational influences, but open and friendly to Godly attributes as given in scripture. Fruits, so to speak. And a place that encourages the pure and undefiled religion before God and the Father, which is; to visit (look after) the fatherless and widows in their affliction and to keep oneself unspotted from the (secular) world. James 1:27
